Christian counsellors (http://www.acc-uk.org/) are a form of support that, at its core, follows religious belief.  The following description is quoted from http://www.walking-wounded.net/html/christian_counselling.html :-

[the] approach is a Christian one, that is that Christian beliefs about human suffering and its causes – for example the role of sin in causing suffering, and the need for the presence of forgiveness in people in order for them to be spiritually (and also emotionally) free, is taken fully into account.

The form of counselling offered by Dean Richardson respects all form of religious and secular beliefs – he has worked with a number of Christians in therapy over the years – and Christian beliefs are welcome in counselling.  However, it is important to be aware that Dean Richardson’s therapeutic methods are based on psychological principals and theories (psychodynamic, systemic, group analytic) which do not place Christian teachings at the front of interventions, and he is not a Christian Counsellor as defined by the reference website above.

When we first meet we will go through an assessment for counselling.  This is where we discuss what you need from counselling and if I’m the therapist to work with.  We’ll pay attention to the problems that you are bringing to therapy, see how you respond to what I say and ask, and we’ll consider if brief of open ended counselling would suit you best. Later in the session I will discuss with you what I’d like to recommend and we’ll discuss what you think about this.  If we disagree with each other we can talk about this too.

Brief Counselling.

Brief counselling works on a single (usually) focus and is a set number of sessions (discussed and agreed between you and I).  The therapist and client have to be able to work well together – a kind of instant therapeutic rapport that can be used in the work click to read more.

Open Ended Counselling.

Counselling that is not limited to a set number of sessions.  But we will still work with a clear focus of our work (which might be at working towards an achievement, a change in emotional state, a transformation of life circumstances and so on).

Compromise.

Sometimes, when it is not clear which approach is best at the beginning of counselling, we can begin counselling in a form of an extended assessment – this is where we will work in a therapeutic way to try to find what focus might be best and which approach.  We may limit this work to a few sessions (two or three). Later, we can discuss if we both think counselling is benefiting you after these sessions and decide where to go afterwards (transitioning into a clearer focus for counselling and the contract). If this approach is not helpful we can agree how and when we would like to end the trail and maybe discuss a referral to another therapist,

“Couples counselling works to prevent a couple from separating…”

The statement, above, is a common myth about couple counselling.

Some people misunderstand the purpose of couple counselling, thinking that its purpose is to keep a couple staying in their relationship. However, this is a false impression about couple counselling (at least it is about the systemicSystemic therapy is a branch of psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate and platonic relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of interaction between family members.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_therapy / psychodynamicPsychodynamics is the theory and systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, especially the dynamic relations between conscious motivation and unconscious motivation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics couple counselling that is offered by Dean Richardson).

Aims of Couple Counselling.

Some of the aims of couple therapy are much more complicated than just a simple goal of staying-together.  Outside of counselling, sometimes a couple wishes to separate – and wishes to do so with anger and blaming – but because of the relationship’s responsibilities (e.g. children) a couple have to continue seeing each other.  They may need a way to manage their separation – if not with any friendliness then at least with a modicum of tolerance.  That’s not an easy process – for obvious emotional reasons – but the couple can make use of a professional’s experience in helping relationships end with a negotiated friendliness – or at least a respectful-enough amicability.

Talking from a systemic/family-counselling approach (which is my core framework for couple’s therapy), the focus of couple counselling will be to follow what the couple wish from therapy; some couples will wish to work to keep their relationship together, other couples will wish to separate, and many couples will not know which they want and may change their minds (sometimes several times) during therapy. All of these are perfectly normal and legitimate states for couples ending a relationship.

So, yes, couple counselling can help a couple to separate … and, if the couple wishes, and with some effort on everyone’s part, it does.

What is Couple Counselling?

My name is Dean Richardson and I’m a qualified systemic/psychodynamic couple counselling therapist.

Talking from a systemic approach, couple counselling is a therapy that works with a couple’s relationship, rather than offering therapy for two individuals.

What does this mean? For example…

The couple counsellor is focussed on the problems between the individuals (the relationship) and is concerned with helping the couple to think about what contributes to the problems of the relationship (and what contributes to better experiences) and as the couple learn how their relationship system works the counsellor invites the couple to think about what aspects of their ‘system’ they might want to change.

Example of a system: partner ‘A’ arrives home from work, partner ‘B’ has been at home all day.  Both partners want to be asked how their day went, but neither partner is willing to give the other partner the time to listen to them first.  An argument ensues.

In systemic therapy, the couple counsellor would learn about this system by listening to the couple report their problems with examples.  The counsellor would help the couple learn about this system and with their agreement would support the couple in hypothesising how the system could be changed.

The couple counsellor does not impose normative views nor offer corrective suggestions (‘what another couple would do is …’) but works with the couple to help them be creative to come up with ideas on how they might change the behaviour for themselves.

The Assessment Sessions – finding the focus of the counselling work.

The focus of a couple’s therapy will be what the couple want to change about the relationship including their behaviour within their relationship. My role as a couples counsellor includes working with couples whose focus for their couple counselling work is to not stay together.

In the assessment for couple counselling, the couple and I will discuss what the couple wants from counselling … and separation is a legitimate option for couples entering therapy.  Sometimes the decision to separate is made at the beginning of counselling, sometimes it’s made during counselling. Either is a legitimate option for couples therapy

Separating Amicably.

Few couples want to separate amicably.  There may be emotional pain and a wish to not be seen as the one who caused the breakup – “it was the other person’s fault” may be a comforting thought, but it may also not be accurate.

However, a couple’s relationship may have created responsibilities – there is more than the couple themselves to consider.  There may be children involved and other family responsibilities to negotiate.

Using a divorce lawyer is one option to help the couple negotiate – but couple counselling is also an option.

The counsellor’s position is to remain neutral during the therapy and by not taking sides he is ethically able to help the couple notice imbalances in their behaviour.  This can be a helpful resource to a couple who are trying to remain balanced (very difficult to do at times) during their separation..

Separating / Staying together / Unsure?

I have worked with couples who wish to work to stay together, and with couples of wish to separate.

I have also worked with couples who, at the time of the assessment and for several months after, did not know what they wanted to do with their relationship.  Part of the counselling process there was to discover what our focus for the therapy was going to be.

Also, the focus that is agreed upon in the assessment is not set in stone.  Sometimes, during the course of counselling, one (or both) partner(s) may change their mind … or begin to find their voice … and begin talking about wishing to separate. Vice versa, a couple wishing to separate can change their minds during the therapy. In these situations a review of the original focus is perfectly legitimate and the counsellor will assist the couple to manage the changing of minds.

When mixed-agendas appear (partner “A” wishes to stay together, partner “B” wishes to separate) the couple counsellor will assist the couple in working with those differing agendas to find a focus that the couple can agree upon.  When a couple change their mind and wish to change their focus of their work (ie separating instead of staying together, and vice versa) the counsellor will help the couple work with that change too.

Couple Counselling & Divorce.

Couples who have engaged in marriage or a civil-partnership may decide that they wish to formally separate.  Of course, solicitors will be involved for the legal matters but the couple can still meet weekly with me to discuss matters about their separation.  It is often the case that an individual wishes to leave a relationship by “saving face” … and there can be pressure to denigrate their partner (because doing so helps the individual to appear or feel better than the partner).

Couples counselling can assist with the separation processes so that both partners leave the relationship in a neutral (perhaps even friendly – though not essential) position.

Advice on Separating.

Couple counselling can be helpful when a couple decide to end their relationship and need help in separating out the emotions and building blocks that originally joined them together.

My qualification is in systemic and psychodynamic couples counselling (similar to the training that Relate (ex “Marriage Guidance Council”) counsellors receive.  Therefore, I do not give advice nor directions on how to separate.

Instead I help facilitate the couple in finding their own solutions to how they wish to separate.

I do this by remaining neutral in the relationship and being curious about many things.  This can help the couple in discovering new information about their relationship, how they operate, and how things go wrong.  With such discoveries, the couple can put into place difference behaviours that can be helpful in relieving some of the distresses of separating.

Are you a couple thinking about counselling?

Counselling can be made available to you on the NHS via your GP.

There is often “stepped” process involved – including a waiting list to begin treatment depending on your presenting issues.

An illustrative example would be:

The initially-mild interventions offered to you should be overseen by a therapist who should have an initial qualification, adequate experience & appropriately supervised (i.e. newer (lower-cost) therapists are more commonly used early low-impact intervention stages of a patient’s NHS counselling).

You may later be offered a fixed number of sessions of face-to-face counselling if the previous therapeutic intervention didn’t work for you. You may be offered to meet with a more experienced psychotherapist or psychiatrist if the previous experiences of therapy are ineffective.

Why CBT/Stepped Process?

This NHS stepped process is partially due to costs and partially due to new procedures introduced called IAPT (read more).

CBT is a treatment that GP’s can understand – it principally works on a diagnoses/prescription modality, where several treatments can be normalised (i.e. the CBT therapist follows someone’s recommendations/instructions for treating a particular ailment).  Of course, one would not take a prescription from an unqualified GP, so one would not be prescribed a form of therapeutic treatment from an unqualified CBT therapist – but there are various levels of experience & qualifications.

IAPT originally only offered CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).  Mild forms of CBT can be offered by minimally trained therapists using a form of manualised therapy (e.g. you may be diagnosed and a therapist may refer to a set of therapeutic interventions that are recommended for your form of diagnosis).

Whilst CBT can be effective for certain issues it is not a fix-everything therapy and not everyone likes to feel like they are responding to a manual-of-therapy.  If you can be helped by the processes then this will be beneficial – albeit that to get to the higher forms of treatment the previous experiences of treatment may have to have failed first.

Private Counselling – Your Choice of Treatment.

Unlike NHS Stepped-Treatment, private counselling with Dean Richardson begins with the FULL service.

There is no tiered/stepped process with Dean. You start immediately with full 50-minute weekly sessions working with Dean face to face.  No computers giving you questionnaires.  No books to read.

You and Dean will begin with an assessment session (meeting to talk about what you need from counselling, and discussing what counselling may and may not be able to help with).

You and Dean will meet weekly (usually the same day, same time, same location – which helps many people manage their commitments elsewhere).

With Dean’s assistance you might decide to discuss choose how many counselling sessions you wish to attend (such as brief/focal counselling) or you may with to work with Dean until the focus of the needs for counselling have been fully addressed.

No waiting lists – no maximum number of sessions.

It’s a very personal counselling service that aims to create a therapy that works for you and your needs.

Sometimes, people see counselling as a last resort.  Something that is to be tried after everything else has been tried (and failed) … to fix someone else.

I want to make an appointment for my husband.

I think my friend needs counselling, will you see her?

Can we send our sister and her boyfriend?

My husband and I want to send our son for counselling.

My mother is upsetting the family, will you see her for counselling?

Counselling is a form of therapy that is private & confidential.  It can help people address personal problems (and problems within relationships):

Counselling is not done to someone.

- and counselling does not “fix” someone for someone else’s benefit.

… and sometimes a person does not want to change, no matter how unacceptable someone else may consider this.  Being sent to counselling won’t do any good if the person has no interest in changing something.

Counselling and Couple Relationships.

Sometimes a couple comes into counselling and one (or both) partners spend a lot of time and emotion telling me how the other partner is the problem.  They will point out all the problems with what their partner does and says.  They will imply – or even say quite clearly – that I (as the counsellor) should be fixing the partner (implication: so that the complaining partner is no longer upset).

The couple counsellor focuses on the relationship – not he individuals.  As they say, “it takes Two to Tango”, so it also takes two to make a problem.  Although the complaining partner may feel as though they are not part of the problem(s), a systemic point of view would be to consider that both partners are contributing to the problem(s) existing.  The couple counsellor will help the couple to discover how their relationship is contributing to – and keeping alive – the problems, and will help the couple … both partners … to perturb their relating behaviour enough to invite changes to happen … checking that this is what the couple wants.

In this example – you may notice that the idea of one partner sending the other partner to be ‘fixed’ may not be a very good solution to a relationship problem.

(For more information on couple counselling, use the Counselling Menu at the top of the page…)

Hoping to send someone to counselling.

So, when someone contacts me asking:

“…can we send so-and-so because they need counselling…?”

my response will be of the form:

“The person [or couple] is very welcome to make contact with me themselves and we can discuss matters”.

Clearly, there may sometimes be circumstances when a person cannot contact me on their own (phobia against using the telephone or email etc.), and we can be creative in this respect.  Perhaps using a third party for communication where appropriate.  However, the same guidelines apply: if a person or couple have not decided to come to counselling themselves, there is nothing I can do to see someone on behalf of another person’s needs.

Alternatively, maybe you might like to come and meet with me on your own to discuss with me how you might find some support in your struggles to manage with someone else’s problem.

Whilst my whole website discusses confidentiality, sexuality, gender and my therapeutic practice, it would not go amiss for me to produce at least a brief post that combines all of these counselling features into providing a safe containment for one particular area of society in which I specialise as a therapist: closet gay & lesbian individuals & couples.

Website Search – close, but no cigar.

Someone arrived on this website having searched for ‘counselling for closet gay’.  In response to the query, Google sent the visitor to my search page.  My search software dutifully produced a list of pages that were mostly about counselling, some about LGBT couple therapy, some about me, but none that expressly spoke about counselling for the closet individual.

Notwithstanding I’m taking a look at my search producing software, it was very clear that the visitor had not been presented with anything about what they were looking for from my website, and they went away.

Quite rightly.

But mistakenly so.

Counselling for LGBT People.

As male counsellor who specialises in offering counselling for the specific needs of lesbian and gay individuals & LGBT couples, it would seem to me that the whole of my therapy service would cater well for those people who are not ‘out’:

Being in, and coming out of, ‘the closet’.

The term being in the ‘closet’ means that a person’s sexuality or gender-identification is something other than what appears to the public, but that the person has not yet made a public declaration.  The term goes hand in hand with the phrase ‘out’ or ‘outing’ meaning that when a person becomes known for their homo or bi sexuality, or desire for a change in gender, they have come out of the closet, or they have been “outed” by a third party.

It’s perhaps interesting that it is sexual minorities that have to go through this process, as it is perhaps assumed that a person is heterosexual, gender-phoric (as opposed to dysphoric) or cis-gender until other facts are known.

It’s perhaps also interesting that as more people – particularly role (or pseudo-role) models – announce their sexuality or gender-reassignment (or gender ambivalence as not transgender people feel the need to make a full transition from one gender to another) – the process of coming out of the closet (outing ones self) is becoming easier and more socially acceptable (Seidman, Meeks, and Traschen (1999) argue that “the closet” may be becoming an antiquated metaphor in the lives of modern day Americans).

Nevertheless, society still assumes one is a heterosexual cis-gendered person until one corrects the notion.

Not everyone wants to be ‘out’.

It would not be surprising that some people would benefit from discussing their sexuality with a helpful & friendly professional, someone with whom they might feel safe, in order to find support before they go through a (sometimes) traumatic process as outing themselves.

It is not the counsellor’s position to encourage self-outing (or maintaining self-closeting) as the decision for action is down the client, with the counselling processing being available to assist the client on reflection: pros, cons, effects, affects.  LGBT counselling is not a solution of itself but a helpful tool.

In closing, I hope this brief post goes some way to correct, clarify and reconcile my services into a clearer statement of some of the kinds of counselling services that I offer.

No – you are not required to ask your doctor/GP to refer you to Dean Richardson for private counselling.

As a BACP Accredited counsellor/psychotherapist with his own private practice in Portsmouth (Hampshire) and via video conference through Skype, Dean is fully qualified and experienced to work with individuals, couples and groups.

Dean offers individual the following services:-

You can make your own appointment for counselling to discuss your options for counselling with Dean Richardson – you do not need to seek a referral by your GP (general practitioner / doctor) and your doctor is not automatically informed of any decision you make to enter counselling.

Dean is qualified to make his own judgements & recommendations to you on suitability for counselling through a process called the “counselling assessment”.  This assessment session is a 50 minute appointment for individuals (or individuals wishing to join a therapy group), and 4×50 minute sessions for couples. What you need from counselling will be discussed to help you identify the focus for counselling work before any counselling begins (although many find the assessment process therapeutic too).

If counselling may not be a suitable therapy for you (or your partner when considering couple relationship counselling) other options can be discussed including referrals to therapies and therapists who may be more appropriate for your needs.

If you’re thinking of private counselling, then there is no test or evaluation! In private counselling, an assessment for counselling is where you and the counsellor meet to initially discuss what you want from counselling, and what the counsellor can offer you.  This is an ethical approach and informs you about what sort of therapy you are opening yourself up for.

Things can seem somewhat different in NHS counselling.  With newer IAPT services (read more), you may initially be recommended the lowest form of therapeutic intervention to begin with (e.g. go home and come back in a few weeks if things don’t feel better …  or try a computer program that may offer some suggestions on how to cheer up your life).  To the next level of therapy you may feel that you have to be unsuccessful with the previous level of therapy. 

It might be some time before you meet the most basically trained counsellor – and even more time to meet with an experienced therapist.

This can feel like you have to keep failing stages in therapy before you are allowed to go to the next stage.

I’m not suggesting that this occurs all of the time – each individual will be (or should be) treated on an individual needs basis – but it is not uncommon for people seeking counselling on the NHS to frail levels of treatment until one is found that is successful,

With Dean Richardson you are not offered one level of therapy first, followed by other levels if they are unsuccessful. What you receive from Dean is his full service from the beginning (although, of course, we will always take matters at a pace that works best for you).

At the beginning of counselling, you and Dean will go through an assessment for counselling.  This is where BOTH you and the counsellor will discuss your needs for counselling (i.e. not just you being assessed, you are assessing the counsellor and his methods too).  You and Dean will talk about what can (and cannot) be offered to you. 

The assessment is not a test – Dean is not looking for you to score a high mark (or get a low one).  An assessment is an effective way for you and the counsellor to both assess if working with Dean is, or is not, a good idea.  Other options, such as a referral to a more appropriate therapist, are available too.

Answer: no.

This article is talking about counselling for mental illness… in fact, a counsellor may not be able to work with you if you are mentally ill.

Counselling and psychotherapy are not psychiatry.  They are a valuable form of psychological support that can assist you in unravelling problems (sometimes emotional, sometimes cognitive) but only if you are able to participate in the process too.

If you are diagnosed with a mental illness, then counselling may be contraindicated – and certainly counselling won’t be as effective if you were not able to engage in the process with a good (or at least a reasonable) sound sense of yourself and a stable-enough mental health.

Beginning Counselling.

All counselling begins with an assessment.  This is not a mental diagnosis because counsellors are not qualified to make such diagnoses.  Instead, we are making sure (as much as we are able because we are human and don’t have foresight!) that you are able to engage well enough with the counselling processes, and with us as your counsellor. 

Counsellors won’t announce that you have an undiagnosed mental illness during the assessment.  Apart from anything, counsellors are not qualified to make diagnoses of mental health – although we have experience and training in being aware if there is something amiss in a person’s mental health (which may help us judge if we are the right sort of therapy for an individual, or might help us to help a client find the right sort of therapy).

Counselling and maintaining mental well-being.

If we do become concerned for your mental well-being, we have resources (such as our supervision and access to psychiatric support where needed) that we can consult.  This is to make sure that we have your best mental health in hand.

If we are concerned for your mental health it may be ethical to bring this matter up with you (it’s not likely we will go behind your back to your GP or other mental-health processional).

All in all it’s not very often that a person coming to counselling will cause us to seek such advice, but we are prepared if this might be the case.  At least … counsellors should be so prepared.

Psychiatry & mental illness.

Mental illnesses are diagnosed by psychiatrists.  A psychiatrist would fully assess someone in person (ie face to face), taking a history of the person’s mental behaviour & capacity from the person themselves and also from as many other sources as possible.  More than one problem can be identified during diagnosis.

Once there is a diagnosis a full treatment plan can be put in place, requiring the psychiatrist to consider medical, social and psychological (eg counselling) treatments available.

Whilst a counsellor/psychotherapist may be aware of a person’s mental illness, they are not in a position to diagnose.  An ethical counsellor’s approach would be to discuss their concerns with their supervisior and other psychological resources before deciding whether or not to discuss with you their observations and their advice about seeing your GP.  Think of this like having a potential problem highlighted for you, and the choice to take the matter any further remains yours.

Talk with a Counsellor.

If you’re thinking about counselling and that it might help you, but you’re afraid that you might be seen by others (or, indeed, the therapist) as having a mental illness, be assured that this is most likely not the case … irrational fears are certainly very powerful, but we can deal with stuff like that in counselling.

Talk it through with the counsellor.  You may be relieved.

Beginning counselling in Portsmouth, Hampshire with Dean Richardson is straightforward.

It might help you to be aware that once you have arranged to meet for a first session with Dean (the ‘assessment’) you’re pretty much assured to begin counselling with him – should you choose to.  The assessment session is to ensure that the problems you present for counselling are matters which Dean and you can work with.  It is not to evaluate you to past a test that would allow you into therapy.

Dean takes on a limited number of simultaneous cases.  This is to ensure that you (or you and your partner, or the support group you may join) gets the best out of Dean as therapist.  Dean makes sure that he is not overworked by having a maximum number of cases at any one time during the week.  So, when you look on the front page for list of times Dean is available, you know that Dean is already available to take you on as a new case.

Individual or Couple Counselling.

1. Take a look at Dean’s available appointments range.
2. Contact with Dean – letting him know when you’d like to meet.
3. Dean will return your contact to confirm – or offer another appointment time that’s near to your choice.
4. You and Dean will meet for a counselling assessment to discuss your needs from counselling and to see if you and Dean both believe it will be beneficial for you to work together in therapy, or if maybe a referral to a colleague or another service might be a better choice.
5. If there is nothing contraindicative to proceeding into counselling, you and Dean will arrange a weekly appointment (usually the same day, same time and same location as the assessment appointment).
6. For individual counselling Dean and you meet together weekly for either a fixed number of sessions (see Brief Counselling), or until the issues you came into counselling for are worked through sufficiently for you and Dean to both recognise that the counselling is done.
7. For couples counselling, you and your partner will meet with Dean until the issues you and your partner came to address have been sufficiently worked through for you all  to agree that the work is done.

Support Groups.

1. Take a look at Dean’s available groups.
2. Contact with Dean – letting him know which group you’re interested in joining.  Choose an appointment time from here to come for a meeting to discuss your needs from group therapy.
3. Dean will return your contact to confirm your appointment time, or to offer one as near as possible to your choice.
4. You and Dean will meet for a 50 minute talk to discuss your needs from a support group and to discuss if both you and Dean believe it will be beneficial for you, or if a referral to a colleague or another service might be appropriate.
5. If you and Dean both agree about you joining a group, you both will arrange for you to be added either onto a waiting list to join a not-yet-meeting, or to be given a starting date to join an existing group. 
6. Because some groups only accept new members when the membership quota has dropped below the maximum membership number, you may be waiting for your place in the group to become available.  You and Dean will look after your needs in the meantime either by arranging holding sessions with Dean, or by discussing other means to look after you whilst you wait.
7. When your place in the group becomes available, you will be given your start date.