Private LGBT Couples Counselling in Hampshire (Portsmouth, Hampshire)

I'd separated from my partner of 15 years - I needed help figuring out if I'd made a mistake.

Private LGBT Couples Counselling (Hampshire & Skype).
Why choose Dean for Couple Counselling?
What do we mean by “LGBT Couple”?
Deciding if LGBT Couple Counselling is for you.
How LGBT Couple Counselling can help.
What’s Involved in LGBT Couple Counselling.
Responsibilities in Couples Counselling.
What is expected of the Therapist?
What is expected of the Couple?
Care when perturbing relationships.
Why Separating Couples use Counselling to Break-Up.
Does LGBT Couple Counselling Work?
The thing that’s driving you crazy, may be the thing that keeps your partner sane.
Seriously – does it work?
What LGBT Couple Counselling isn’t suitable for.
Long Distance Relationships.
What do to next…

Private LGBT Couples Counselling (Hampshire & Skype).

What if curiosity could take your relationship somewhere better?

LGBT couples may seek counselling from a specialist LGBT couples’ counsellor for many reason. Not least to seek a sense of assurance that the counsellor understands and empathises with LGBT social, sexual & community conduct. These qualities of the LGBT couples counsellor are sought to convey a sense of understanding to the couple that is sometimes not experienced from a general counsellor.

It’s a myth to think that couple counselling is always aimed at helping a couple stay together. Couple counselling offers couples a way to work with what the couple want from therapy; this may include helping the couple to separate (as amiable as the couple wish), or finding ways for the relationship to be repaired; to deal with issues of sexuality, sex, open- (or closed) relationships, S&M/BDSM, family issues, thinking about a baby (or not) and many, many more LGBT couple issues.

This is why a significant number of LGBT couples in Hampshire, (Portsmouth) and on Skype video choose to work with Dean as an LGBT Specialist Couple Counsellor for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender & mixed-orientation/mixed-gender relationships-in-conflict.

Why choose Dean for Couple Counselling?

Practising since 1999.
Fully qualified & accredited by the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy.
Added Diploma in Couple Counselling in 2009.
Studies LGBT couple counselling with gay & lesbian relationships & therapeutic approaches as a speciality.

What do we mean by “LGBT Couple”?

An LGBT couple is two people involved in an intimate relationship who are either of the same gender & sexual orientation (e.g. gay male, lesbian female) or who are of mixed sexual orientation and/or gender (such as a straight cis female & gay male, a transgendered M-F and a straight male, a transgendered F-M and a gay male etc.) and other combinations of gender and sexuality.

Deciding if LGBT Couple Counselling is for you.

Do any of these situations seem familiar?

A sense that the reasons for staying in the relationship have become lost (to one or both of you).
Repeating patterns of unhappy behaviour that neither of you can shift.
You relate like siblings now, instead of lovers like you used to.
You want to… and your partner doesn’t…
Sexual problems: physical or emotional.
Intimacy problems (different from sexual problems).
Violence or abuse in the relationship (ranging from feeling bullied to physical and emotional abuse).
One of you, or both of you, have acted outside the relationship’s understanding (eg affairs, open-relationships, social etc).
Experimentation in BDSM, S&M, Open Relationships not going to plan … or haven’t been planned at all.

How LGBT Couple Counselling can help.

Sometimes couples can find their relationship behaviour has gotten stuck in unsatisfactory or unhappy patterns. Couples who cannot get themselves out of these patterns may find psychodynamicPsychodynamics is the theory and systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, especially the dynamic relations between conscious motivation and unconscious motivation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics & systemicSystemic therapy is a branch of psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of interaction between family members.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_therapy couples counselling suitable in helping shift the “unstuckedness”.

Some couple counsellors will gladly work with LGBT couples. Dean Richardson is an LGBT Couples Counsellor. Spot the difference?

It’s a common misunderstanding that people think couples counselling is aimed at making couples stay together. The couples therapist actually follows what the couple wishes from their therapy; meaning that if the couple wish to work to stay together then the counselling will help the couple to figure that out how that gets done. Conversely, if the couple wishes to separate then counselling will help the couple to figure out how they want separate. A couple who is undecided / in disagreement can use the couples counselling process to assist them in figuring out a compromise of what they both might wish to do.

The couple doesn’t have to know how they’ll achieve what they want (very often the couple think that they’ve tried everything) – the couples therapist has the skills to help with this.

What’s Involved in LGBT Couple Counselling.

…the therapist does not impose normative (or other) views about couple functioning in general, nor about the specific solutions that might be acceptable to this couple in particular. Instead the therapist maintains a stance of open-minded curiosity […] which leads to an exploration with the couple of the history and meanings of their current situation and of their previous attempted solutions and impasses.

Jones & Asen, 2000

Initially, the couple meet with Dean Richardson for an assessment for couples counselling. This usually takes four sessions:-

Session 1: all three of us meet to discuss an overview of what is needed from counselling.
Session 2: one partner meets with Dean separately. This is to discuss their perspective on the couple relationship, and to discuss some personal history.
Session 3: the other partner meets with Dean separately as in session 2.
Session 4: all three of us meet again to discuss what we have learned in the previous sessions, and to begin to set a focus about what the couple counselling should address.

Subsequent sessions are lead by the couple, with the therapist offering observations and therapeutic hypotheses on the relationship to help both partners learn what might be going on. With new information the couple can make informed choices.

A main intention is to help disturb the relationship’s unhappy behaviour patterns by being curious and interested on the relationship system (what the relationship is doing), learning & finding new information and allowing inspiration to address what we are learning plus being creative with solutions that the couple will come up with themselves.

The process encourages more space for thought and inspiration – allowing the couple’s relationship to become unstuck again.

Responsibilities in Couples Counselling.

What is expected of the Therapist?

Ensuring the safety of both the therapist and couple (eg a quiet, confidential room that will not be disturbed, that the session time begins and ends on time).
To take an ethical stance on all matters, to follow the BACP's Ethical Framework, and to ensure his best practice for the client at all times.
To ensure that the couple can discuss their relationship in safety - albeit not necessarily always in comfort (i.e. discussing subjects that the couple have not discussed in front of each other before can be uncomfortable to begin with) - but ensuring the couple can stop at any time they wish to.
To listen without communicating judgement or prejudice and to not take sides with one partner or the other (the relationship is the therapist's client, rather the two individuals).
To assist the couple in perturbing the conflicting relationship patterns through use of curiosity, new knowledge, and a disturbance of current unsatisfactory behaviours ... initially on his own but being active in inviting the couple to participate at their own comfort level,
To try and use the couple's own language to discuss matters where possible (e.g. if one partner doesn't speak in 'emotions' and the other does, to assist the relationship in negotiating a common-enough language so that what is being spoken of can be understood).
To recognise and work with social, sexual, ability and cultural differences (that the therapist is not giving advice from his position ("What I would do is..."), but is being effective in helping the couple find their own resolutions and/or management of problems).
To not meet with one partner without the express knowledge and permission of the other partner - and to not engage in individual therapy with either partner whilst the couple's therapy contract with the therapist is in effect.
To be earnest on assisting the couple out of therapy either when they are ready to leave, or by helping them recognise that what they initially came into address has been so addressed (i.e. not keeping a couple in therapy beyond a legitimate need & not ousting a couple before they are ready to leave).

What is expected of the Couple?

Initially, the couple needs simply to being willing to give the therapy a try - even if sceptical or unsure of the therapist's approach.
To be aware that couple counselling cannot help with a conflicting agenda, but if the couple wish the counselling can help the couple negotiate a mutual agenda for the therapy.
To bear in mind that couple counselling is not done to them as a couple, that they will not be cured by the therapist's approach alone. They are both active participants in the therapy (albeit this may not be possible at the start - and sometimes not during - due to emotional states).
To be willing to embrace the idea that they will be invited to be creative & inspired towards other approaches in their relationships and to open to hypothesise about what's happening in their relationship ... and that the therapist will assist them in this process until they can do it alone.
To ensuring that they tell the truth in all matters but also to be aware that either partner can decline to discuss anything uncomfortable.
To take responsibility for bringing up concerns or dissatisfaction about the therapist with the therapist (e.g. the therapist's conduct, something he said, something he does etc.). All therapists appreciate that this may take courage ... but as the therapist has the best of intentions, and whilst his experience may often tip him off to the couple being disturbed by something he does or says, he may not always be aware of any deep or hidden irritation.
When the couple agree an exercise between sessions is appropriate, to be willing to find the time to address the exercise, or be willing to discuss matters if the exercise was not completed (or, say, not completed to the couple's satisfaction).
Be willing to bring up ending counselling when the couple feels that time is approaching.

Care when perturbing relationships.

…the thing that’s driving you crazy might be the thing that’s keeping your partner sane.

Unknown

Systemic couple relationship counselling consists of – amongst other things – perturbing the unsatisfactory relationship system sufficiently to allow for knew knowledge, inspiration and change. However, the system that the couple brings to therapy is the one that the couple have created themselves. They may not be aware of their involvement in the creation, or why. The way the relationship is working is doing so for very good reasons, even though the couple may not be aware of their own involvement.

Sometimes, couples don’t communicate for very good reasons. Their non-communication can have purpose – whether it may be to protect the relationship, protect feelings, or is a way of avoiding further conflict. When couple therapy begins to stick its nose into the relationship, more unhappiness can be brought out than before the therapy began. The couple’s relationship can feel worse before it can feel better.

Why Separating Couples use Counselling to Break-Up.

During the initial years, a couple’s relationship will go through a process of joining and blending. When one partner decides that they wish to leave the relationship, the separation can be experienced as terribly painful.

The relationship may have introduced assets – children, pets, possessions, property; the couple will have to decide how to manage the division of what the relationship has created.

In couple counselling, the couple can find a safe, secure place in which to discuss how the relationship divides the assets, and discuss the responsibilities of managing children and pets.

Does LGBT Couple Counselling Work?

An important question might be: “Will couple counselling work for me and my partner?”

I’m wring from a systemic & psychodynamic point of view to couple counselling. A relationship gets into trouble because of what the partners are both contributing to the relationship-conflicts. It may seem that just one partner is doing all the trouble-making, but I would also suggest to you that it takes two partners’ combined behaviour (whether conscious or unconscious) to bring a relationship onto conflict.

There has to be reasons for the conflict to occur – even if the reasons are not understood.

Couple counselling aims to help the partners perturb the conflict (actively get on the way of stuff going wrong, so that they can introduce stuff going right). This can have an important consequence: whatever the reasons for the conflict being introduced will also be effected by the conflict being removed.

The thing that’s driving you crazy, may be the thing that keeps your partner sane.

Couple counselling can be a friendly, socially-respectful process. I don’t want to give the impression that the therapist will wield a huge blade, cutting away conflicts and disturbances. This is not surgery.

At the same time, the couple are being helped by the therapist to – metaphorically – diagnose where the injuries lay and are being helped to discover for themselves treatment that the couple believe may help treat the injuries.

From the therapist’s position, he is actively learning about how the relationship works (even when it is unhappy) to help the couple discover matters which they are blind to (or cannot talk about to each other). With the couple’s position, he may actively assist in perturbing the conflicts too.

Seriously – does it work?

If you and your partner believe you may have the courage and a strong desire to address the problems that undoing the unhappy behaviour may reveal… if you and your partner might be able to support each other during the therapy, and both of you can contribute (or try, and then get used to contributing) new ideas & inspiration for changing relationship behaviours… then yes, couple counselling works well – regardless of the couple wanting to reconcile or separate.

If, however, the relationship behaviours may be protecting matters that cannot be addressed (at least, cannot be addressed yet…), or you and your partner are not very interested in discovering newer ways to relate and a desire to address the unhappy behaviours (and some relationships manage just fine in this way) … then couple counselling may not be for you together. In which case, individual counselling might be of help.

It’s perfectly legitimate to begin couple counselling without knowing if it will be successful or not. The process is an investment in your relationship, and like any investment: what you get back may be more – or less – than you had hoped for. But, unlike investing in a third-party (like stocks and shares) you’re investing in your relationship … something that you and your partner have an influence upon … and by involving an experienced couple counsellor you are not doing this alone.

What LGBT Couple Counselling isn’t suitable for.

Long Distance Relationships.

LGBT couples who are separated by distance but who still need couple counselling, or are a long distance from Dean Richardson’s Portsmouth consulting rooms, may find Dean’s Skype LGBT Couple Counselling service useful (read more…)

The couple do not identify themselves as LGBT – thus this form of therapy is not required.
A couple who have separate mutually-exclusive agendas cannot be helped by this process (albeit the couple may wish to discuss their separate agendas with a view to finding a common goal).
Families – couple counselling is not family therapy (ie groups of more than two people).
Adults who wish someone to change their partner to their satisfaction. Couple counselling is a mutual process that will involve both partners.
Domestic Violence – unless both couples wish to change the violent relationship.
One partner coming to help the other / has nothing to contribute to the work – couple counselling involves both partners.
One partner was not informed about the other partner’s desire to come to couple counselling – both partners have to wish to take part in the process.

What do to next…

If both you and your partner are interested in potentially receiving LGBT couples counselling (systemic/psychodynamic model), contact Dean Richardson to make an appointment for an assessment.

Contact Dean Richardson...