Private Relationship Counselling for Adult Couples (Portsmouth, Hampshire & Skype)

'Couples Therapy' © Grace Weston Photography

As we finished, we decided to carry on our own weekly couple's counselling sessions along the seafront!

Introducing Relationship Counselling for Adult Couples.
Deciding if Relationship Counselling is for you.
How Relationship Counselling can help.
What’s Involved in Relationship Counselling.
Responsibilities in Couples Counselling.
What is expected of the Therapist?
What is expected of the Couple?
Care when perturbing relationships.
Why Separating Relationships use Counselling to Break-Up.
Does Relationship Counselling Work?
The thing that’s driving you crazy, may be the thing that keeps your partner sane.
Seriously – does it work?
What Relationship Counselling isn’t suitable for.
Long Distance Relationships.
What do to next…

Introducing Relationship Counselling for Adult Couples.

What if curiosity could take your relationship somewhere better?

Whatever type of relationship you’re in: intimate, marital, civil-partnership, living together, straight, LGBT, mixed-orientation, platonic, family (brother(s), sister(s), parental/offspring etc) or business … the choice to come into relationship counselling for couples may be the most courageous one you and your partner, family-member, friend or business partner make together.

/ couple counselling is for a pair of adults, in any form of adult relationship, who are struggling with how the couple relate to each other.

Dean Richardson MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg., will introduce you to, and help you both through, the relationship counselling process.

Couple counselling is not just “marriage counselling”. Whilst it can be ideal for marriages, relationship counselling is a systemic & psychodynamic form of therapy for ALL couple relationships.

Deciding if Relationship Counselling is for you.

Do any of these situations seem familiar?

A sense that the reasons for staying in the relationship have become lost (to one or both of you).
Repeating patterns of unhappy behaviour that neither of you can shift.
You hardly talk to each other any more.
You want to… and your partner doesn’t…
Sexual problems: physical or emotional.
Intimacy problems (different from sexual problems).
Violence or abuse in the relationship (ranging from feeling bullied to physical and emotional abuse).
One of you, or both of you, have acted outside the relationship’s understanding (eg affairs, open-relationships, social etc).
Relationship experimentation (Open relationships, sexual practices etc.) not going well.

How Relationship Counselling can help.

Sometimes couples can find their relationship behaviour has gotten stuck in unsatisfactory or unhappy patterns. Couples who cannot get themselves out of these patterns may find psychodynamic & systemic couples counselling suitable in helping perturb the patterns.

It’s a common misunderstanding that people think couples counselling is aimed at making couples stay together. The couples therapist actually follows what the couple wishes from their therapy; meaning that if the couple wish to work to stay together then the counselling will help the couple to figure that out how this may be achieved. Alternatively, if the couple wishes to separate then counselling will help the couple to figure out how best they may separate. A couple who is undecided / in disagreement can use the couples counselling process to assist them in figuring out a compromise of what they both might wish to do.

The couple doesn’t have to know how they’ll achieve what they want (very often the couple think that they’ve tried everything) – the couples therapist has the skills to help with this.

What’s Involved in Relationship Counselling.

…the therapist does not impose normative (or other) views about couple functioning in general, nor about the specific solutions that might be acceptable to this couple in particular. Instead the therapist maintains a stance of open-minded curiosity […] which leads to an exploration with the couple of the history and meanings of their current situation and of their previous attempted solutions and impasses.

Jones & Asen, 2000

Initially, the couple meet with Dean Richardson for an assessment for couples counselling. This usually takes four sessions:-

Session 1: all three of us meet to discuss an overview of what is needed from counselling.
Session 2: one partner meets with Dean separately. This is to discuss their perspective on the couple relationship, and to discuss some personal history.
Session 3: the other partner meets with Dean separately as in session 2.
Session 4: all three of us meet again to discuss what we have learned in the previous sessions, and to begin to set a focus about what the relationship counselling should address.

Subsequent sessions are lead by the couple, with the therapist offering observations and therapeutic hypotheses on the relationship to help both partners learn what might be going on. With new information the couple can make informed choices.

A main intention is to help disturb the relationship’s unhappy behaviour patterns by being curious and interested on the relationship system (what the relationship is doing), learning & finding new information and allowing inspiration to address what we are learning plus being creative with solutions that the couple will come up with themselves.

The process encourages more space for thought and inspiration – allowing the couple’s relationship to become unstuck again.

Couple Counselling simultaneously with Individual Counselling.

Whilst it is not recommended that an individual be in therapy with multiple-therapists at the same time, a couple may be in couple counselling at the same time that one or both partners are in individual counselling.The main reason why this is acceptable is because systemic/psychodynamic couple counselling focusses upon the couple's relationship whereas individual therapy focuses on the individual.There is one important boundary, though, and that is the individuals must be in individual therapy with a therapist who is not the couple's therapist. The couple's therapist will have no contact with the individual therapists (the relationship work remains protected) and whilst the individual(s) may speak about the couple therapy in their own therapy, they can only ever present their unique point of view (not their partner's), so the individual therapy remains focussed on the individual.Any matters effecting an individual that are brought out within the couple work can be looked at by the individual in their own counselling.

Individual Counselling within Couple Counselling.

Assuming that both partners are not in individual therapy, it is not unusual for couple work to focus upon an individual from time to time. This is a unique form of individual work because the individual's partner will be present for all the sessions (who may comment or listen through the session).This is individual counselling in the context of the couple's relationship, is often an important intervention during couple work, and is not offered as a substitute for individual counselling.

Responsibilities in Couples Counselling.

What is expected of the Therapist?

Ensuring the safety of both the therapist and couple (eg a quiet, confidential room that will not be disturbed, that the session time begins and ends on time).
To take an ethical stance on all matters, to follow the BACP's Ethical Framework, and to ensure his best practice for the client at all times.
To ensure that the couple can discuss their relationship in safety - albeit not necessarily always in comfort (i.e. discussing subjects that the couple have not discussed in front of each other before can be uncomfortable to begin with) - but ensuring the couple can stop at any time they wish to.
To listen without communicating judgement or prejudice and to not take sides with one partner or the other (the relationship is the therapist's client, rather the two individuals).
To assist the couple in perturbing the conflicting relationship patterns through use of curiosity, new knowledge, and a disturbance of current unsatisfactory behaviours ... initially on his own but being active in inviting the couple to participate at their own comfort level,
To try and use the couple's own language to discuss matters where possible (e.g. if one partner doesn't speak in 'emotions' and the other does, to assist the relationship in negotiating a common-enough language so that what is being spoken of can be understood).
To recognise and work with social, sexual, ability and cultural differences (that the therapist is not giving advice from his position ("What I would do is..."), but is being effective in helping the couple find their own resolutions and/or management of problems).
To not meet with one partner without the express knowledge and permission of the other partner - and to not engage in individual therapy with either partner whilst the couple's therapy contract with the therapist is in effect.
To be earnest on assisting the couple out of therapy either when they are ready to leave, or by helping them recognise that what they initially came into address has been so addressed (i.e. not keeping a couple in therapy beyond a legitimate need & not ousting a couple before they are ready to leave).

What is expected of the Couple?

Initially, the couple needs simply to being willing to give the therapy a try - even if sceptical or unsure of the therapist's approach.
To be aware that couple counselling cannot help with a conflicting agenda, but if the couple wish the counselling can help the couple negotiate a mutual agenda for the therapy.
To bear in mind that couple counselling is not done to them as a couple, that they will not be cured by the therapist's approach alone. They are both active participants in the therapy (albeit this may not be possible at the start - and sometimes not during - due to emotional states).
To be willing to embrace the idea that they will be invited to be creative & inspired towards other approaches in their relationships and to open to hypothesise about what's happening in their relationship ... and that the therapist will assist them in this process until they can do it alone.
To ensuring that they tell the truth in all matters but also to be aware that either partner can decline to discuss anything uncomfortable.
To take responsibility for bringing up concerns or dissatisfaction about the therapist with the therapist (e.g. the therapist's conduct, something he said, something he does etc.). All therapists appreciate that this may take courage ... but as the therapist has the best of intentions, and whilst his experience may often tip him off to the couple being disturbed by something he does or says, he may not always be aware of any deep or hidden irritation.
When the couple agree an exercise between sessions is appropriate, to be willing to find the time to address the exercise, or be willing to discuss matters if the exercise was not completed (or, say, not completed to the couple's satisfaction).
Be willing to bring up ending counselling when the couple feels that time is approaching.

Care when perturbing relationships.

…the thing that’s driving you crazy might be the thing that’s keeping your partner sane.

Unknown

Systemic couple relationship counselling consists of – amongst other things – perturbing the unsatisfactory relationship system sufficiently to allow for knew knowledge, inspiration and change. However, the system that the couple brings to therapy is the one that the couple have created themselves. They may not be aware of their involvement in the creation, or why. The way the relationship is working is doing so for very good reasons, even though the couple may not be aware of their own involvement.

Sometimes, couples don’t communicate for very good reasons. Their non-communication can have purpose – whether it may be to protect the relationship, protect feelings, or is a way of avoiding further conflict. When couple therapy begins to stick its nose into the relationship, more unhappiness can be brought out than before the therapy began. The couple’s relationship can feel worse before it can feel better.

Why Separating Relationships use Counselling to Break-Up.

During the initial years, a couple’s relationship will go through a process of joining and blending. When one partner decides that they wish to leave the relationship, the separation can be experienced as terribly painful.

The relationship may have introduced assets – children, pets, possessions, property; the couple will have to decide how to manage the division of what the relationship has created.

In relationship counselling, the couple can find a safe, secure place in which to discuss how the relationship divides the assets, and discuss the responsibilities of managing children and pets.

Does Relationship Counselling Work?

An important question might be: “Will relationship counselling work for me and my partner?”

I’m wring from a systemic & psychodynamic point of view to relationship counselling. A relationship gets into trouble because of what the partners are both contributing to the relationship-conflicts. It may seem that just one partner is doing all the trouble-making, but I would also suggest to you that it takes two partners’ combined behaviour (whether conscious or unconscious) to bring a relationship onto conflict.

There has to be reasons for the conflict to occur – even if the reasons are not understood.

Couple counselling aims to help the partners perturb the conflict (actively get on the way of stuff going wrong, so that they can introduce stuff going right). This can have an important consequence: whatever the reasons for the conflict being introduced will also be effected by the conflict being removed.

The thing that’s driving you crazy, may be the thing that keeps your partner sane.

Couple counselling can be a friendly, socially-respectful process. I don’t want to give the impression that the therapist will wield a huge blade, cutting away conflicts and disturbances. This is not surgery.

At the same time, the couple are being helped by the therapist to – metaphorically – diagnose where the injuries lay and are being helped to discover for themselves treatment that the couple believe may help treat the injuries.

From the therapist’s position, he is actively learning about how the relationship works (even when it is unhappy) to help the couple discover matters which they are blind to (or cannot talk about to each other). With the couple’s position, he may actively assist in perturbing the conflicts too.

Seriously – does it work?

If you and your partner believe you may have the courage and a strong desire to address the problems that undoing the unhappy behaviour may reveal… if you and your partner might be able to support each other during the therapy, and both of you can contribute (or try, and then get used to contributing) new ideas & inspiration for changing relationship behaviours… then yes, relationship counselling works well – regardless of the couple wanting to reconcile or separate.

If, however, the relationship behaviours may be protecting matters that cannot be addressed (at least, cannot be addressed yet…), or you and your partner are not very interested in discovering newer ways to relate and a desire to address the unhappy behaviours (and some relationships manage just fine in this way) … then relationship counselling may not be for you together. In which case, individual counselling might be of help.

It’s perfectly legitimate to begin relationship counselling without knowing if it will be successful or not. The process is an investment in your relationship, and like any investment: what you get back may be more – or less – than you had hoped for. But, unlike investing in a third-party (like stocks and shares) you’re investing in your relationship … something that you and your partner have an influence upon … and by involving an experienced couple counsellor you are not doing this alone.

What Relationship Counselling isn’t suitable for.

Long Distance Relationships.

Couples who are separated by distance – but who still need relationship counselling – may find Dean Richardson’s Skype Relationship Counselling Service useful (read more…)

A couple who have separate mutually-exclusive agendas cannot be helped by this process (albeit the couple may wish to discuss their separate agendas with a view to finding a common goal).
Families – relationship counselling is not family therapy (ie groups of more than two people).
Adults who wish someone to change their partner to their satisfaction. Couple counselling is a mutual process that will involve both partners.
Domestic Violence – excepting if both couples wish to change the violent relationship.
One partner coming to help the other / has nothing to contribute to the work – relationship counselling involves both partners.
One partner was not informed about the other partner’s desire to come to relationship counselling – both partners have to wish to take part in the process.

What do to next…

If both of you are interested in potentially receiving couples counselling (systemic/psychodynamic model), contact Dean Richardson to make an appointment for an assessment.

Contact Dean Richardson...

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