‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Fa la la la lah, la lah, lah, lah.

As I said a pre-Christmas farewell to a colleague last week, he referred to this period as the ‘nonsense’ season.  It got me thinking: if this holiday season could be nonsense … to whom might this period make no sense?

Opting-out of Christmas.

“How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being Scrooges?”
Jenney – Savings Advice Forum.

For many people, the approach of the season switches on certain automatic behaviour.  Behaviour coming from certain assumptions and certain expectations:

For those who are without families – whether biological or extended – or few or no friends, the holiday season becomes nonsensical. How easily it seems one can be forgotten whilst it seems everyone is running around preparing for a jolly season. Those not participating in the season can, perhaps, emulate the jolly behaviour of buying gifts for people, yet one may also be carrying a heavy heart suspecting that what few social contacts they have will disappear during the holiday season as people venture off towards their families-of-original loaded with tokens of ‘musts’.  One can emulate the behaviour or buying the right food for Christmas day, yet one knows that the food won’t be shared with anyone.  One can decided with whom they will spend holiday days, but it’s likely that friends and and those who are reasonably close will have already decided to attend family events – leaving others who are not family behind.

Rather than simply being ‘nonsense’ for some people, I’d offer that this seasonal period can be an extremely painful reminder of the solitude that some tolerate.  Solitude that is tolerated – even embraced – with pleasure during the counterpart of the year, but a solitude that borders on becoming unbearable loneliness during this  holiday season.

Year-Round Solitude versus Seasonal Loneliness.

“You’d like some other bears!”
Dr. Gina Toll – ‘In Treatment‘

A human being is a social being – he needs to not be alone.  So, how can it be that solitude (the state of being on one’s own) does not feel lonely (sad at having no friends/company)?

One’s good & caring mother stored away in the ‘loving mum object’ gives some of us the sense that we are cared for, even when mum has passed away a long time ago. 

Conversely, those of us who were given the experience that we were not cared for, could be stored away in the ‘persecutor object’, remaining a reminder that as a human being we are someone who others will not care for.

I’d offer the thought that internalised objects can be a factor in how one approaches being on one’s own.  The word “solitude” is used to describe a choice – that in being without company one feels good.  Loneliness is used to describe no-choice – that in being without company one feels bad.  Solitude is pleasant because one does not sense being alone when accompanied by supporting internalised ‘good’ (or good-enough) objects, whereas perhaps loneliness is the lack of good objects/the presence of bad ones.

Object Relationships & Seasonal Nonsense.

“the self, exists only in relation to other ‘objects,’ which may be external or internal.”
New World Encyclopedia – Entry: Melanie Klein

It makes me wonder how in our society the change in social behaviour (eg the approach to Christmas) effects the meta-structure of the psyche’s internalised objects of participants, observers and affectees.

If, during the year, one can tolerate one’s place in social relationships (e.g. occasional social-meetings with friends, but primarily spending time on one’s own) there would appear to be something in the shift of social behaviour (“we must now prepare for Christmas”) that shifts the meta-organisation of the internalised objects for some (“I am in solitude” shifting to “I am lonely”).

Containment of ‘the loneliness’.

“projective identification may unconsciously aim to get rid of unmanageable feelings but it also serves to get help with feelings”
Patrick Casement – Further Learning From the Patient (cited in Wikipedia Article)

It would be my hypothesis that those who are capable of tolerating, even enjoying, being on one’s own become those who, hypothetically, are capable of holding the fear of loneliness that rest of society must split-off and discharge in order to participate in Christmas.

From the works of Melanie Klein, and later Wilfred Bion, we have come to understand that the mechanism of ‘projective identification‘ (Wikipedia) intolerable pain within the infant is, unconsciously, sent out to another person ( a care-giver ) who will contain the projection, maybe process it into something more tolerable, and hold it until the infant psyche is able to take it back later.

This meta-process allows something that is very painful – or in conflict with other mental demands -  to be sent away from the psyche that cannot manage it for now, placed into a psyche that can manage it better for the period.

This process is made use of in most psychotherapies (psychoanalytical, psychiatry, psychodynamic counselling) where the therapist may become aware of ‘containing’ or ‘receiving’ something on the patient’s behalf.

A patient revealed some news that the therapist believed he was meant to find worthy of congratulations; whilst the patient sounded excited about the news the therapist, instead, felt huge waves of rage that he was not able to associate with the apparent glad-tidings.  The therapist pondered that he may have been ‘containing’ something split-off that the client could not manage; could not manage at the same time of holding onto the thought that this news was good. 

Notwithstanding other explanations (such as the therapist’s own personal constructs: possible jealousy about the news), the therapist used this experience to inform his questions: gently wondering out loud with the patient about the news and its implications.  What later appeared in the work was the patient’s terrible fear about the responsibilities this news would require of him; that the patient was terrified of the implications and responded to his fear in a very angry manner.

Hypothetically, therapist had experienced the patient’s split-off and unconsciously communicated rage.  The therapist had found himself in a state of conflict:  being expected to reply ‘congratulations’ but filled with something quite opposite.  The patient – without the rage – was able to participate in a normal celebratory appearance whilst delivery the news. The therapist appeared to have been left holding the unacceptable part until the patient was able to take it back.

During this time of the year for Christian-based societies, people either have to participate in the ‘jolly season’, or be able to tolerate the shadow-side of not-taking-part. Those who do not follow the masses have to have huge courage to go it another way.

After all, we still refer to ‘Scrooge’ as a warning to all who do not participate in this meant-to-be-jolly time.

A Seasonal Hypothesis.

In Closing.

This is not a jolly hypothesis.

But it is intended intended to offer a thought – perhaps a rescuing thought – to those who are subject to massive-yet-unexplained changes in their feelings during such holidays seasons as Christmas (and as it’s author, I’m aware that this brief essay turns a blind eye to other hypotheses in order to focus on this one).

Perhaps, whilst you are enjoying your holiday season and a moment of ‘Oh I wish I wasn’t here…’ creeps into your thoughts, maybe that might be your Jiminy Cricket moment.  Perhaps someone might enjoy a thought or a message sent their way.  After all, someone may be suffering extra painful loneliness, tolerating in order for you to be able to participate in what you must consider as a Happy Christmas.

Nonsense?

Comments welcome.

Introduction.

Over a 5-year period (1974 to 1979), the authors interviewed in depth 156 gay male couples [in the California, San Diego County area] who were not in therapy and had lived together anywhere from 1 to more than 37 years. The mean time in a relationship was 8.7 years, with median being slightly over 5 years.

Six stages of relationship were identified.  The first four stages occurred within the first 10 years of the gay couple’s relationship.

The stages were presented as tentative formulations needing further clinical trial and research validation.

The conceptualisation of developmental stages has been very helpful in the clinical approach to therapy with gay male couples.

Stage One: Blending (First Year)

Characteristics:

• Blending
• Limerence (falling in love, being romantically in love, intrusive thinking about the desired person, acute longing for reciprocation, sexual attraction).
• Equality of partnership
• High sexual activity

Blending is experienced as the intensity of togetherness gay men feel early in their relationships. Their similarities bind them, their differences are mutually overlooked.

Stage Two: Nesting (1 to 3 years)

Characteristics:

• Homemaking
• Finding compatibility
• Decline in limerance
• Ambivalence

By the second year, more attention is paid to their surroundings taking the form of homemaking activities. Couples in this stage also tend to see each other’s shortcomings and discover or create complementarities that enhance compatibility setting the stage for the mixture of positive and negative feelings about the value of the relationship: ambivalence.

Stage Three: Maintaining (3 to 5 years)

Characteristics:

• Individualisation begins
• Risk-taking
• Dealing with Conflict
• Relying on the relationship

Maintaining the relationship depends upon establishing balances between individualisation and togetherness, conflict and its resolution, autonomy and dependence, confusion and understanding. The intense blending of Stage Two clears the path for the re-emergence of the individual differences, indentified here as individualisation. Individualisation requires some necessary risk-taking.

Stage Four: Collaborating (5 to 10 years)

Characteristics:

• Collaborating
• Productivity
• Establishing independence
• Dependability of partners

After 5 years together, couples experience a new sense of security and a decreasing need to process their interactions. The individualisation of Stage Three can progress to the establishment of independence, sustained by the steady, dependable availability of a partner for support, guidance and affirmation.

Stage Five: Trusting (10 to 20 years)

Characteristics:

• Trust
• Merger of money and possessions
• Constriction
• Taking the relationship for granted

Trust develops gradually for most people. The trust of Stage Five includes a mutual lack of possessiveness and a strong positive regard for each other.

Stage Six: Repartnering (20 years and beyond)

Characteristics:

• Attainment of goals
• Expectation of permanence of the relationship
• Emergence of personal concerns
• Awareness of the passage of time

The twentieth anniversary appears to be a special milestone for gay male couples. A surprising number of couples reported a renewal of their relationship after being together for 20 years or more.

Comparing Studies.

When comparing the “Marital Stages” by E. Street (heterosexual relationships) with “Gay Male Partnership Stages” by McWhirter & Mattison, and interesting parallel emerges:-

See also Counselling for LGBT Couples.

There are 2 comments on this article.

For the purposes of this article, I define a “couple” is two people involved in a relationship … any form of relationship.

Whilst some assume that ‘couple counselling’ is only for couples in an intimate (meaning sexual) relationship, because a couple relationship does not have to be sexual,  marital or a civil-partnership, then couple counselling is also not exclusively for those only in such relationships.

Couple counselling can be very helpful to platonic relationships.

By “platonic relationships” I would include:

And using family systems theory as his model, Dean Richardson’s Systemic Couple Counselling for Platonic Relationships is ideal for non-intimate couple relationships wishing to change their relationship behaviour.

Systemic Couple Counselling.

Systemic couple counselling is a process that assists two people in a partnership to focus upon their relationship with a view to learning how to change the relationship for both parties’ benefit.

By being deeply interested and curious into how a relationship works, a couple (who may arrive with the story “we’ve tried everything already, how can counselling help us when we’ve already tried everything?”) can be assisted in seeing new avenues and new approaches that they had not been able to see before.

And, for platonic partners intimacy & sexual congress will likely not be a topic for discussion – though if the couple wish to discuss this too them this is available in couple counselling.

What we do in Counselling for Platonic Relationships.

Couple Counselling is not Facilitation, Mentoring or Mediation (and vice-versa).

… but there are similarities and important over-lapping areas (in this table ‘counsellor’ refers to a systemic couple counsellor).

It’s interesting to note that a mediator’s professional role appears to be a subset of a professional couple counsellor’s role and, of course, a couple may choose one approach over the other:-

Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. The pathology of the marital breakdown is explored and analyzed.

Marriage mediation is practical, agreement-oriented and detail-oriented. When a couple identifies specific areas of conflict on which to focus, they learn to use the mediation process to find points of agreement and negotiate conflict-reducing resolutions. Through the process of marriage mediation, couples will be developing and practicing cooperative, respectful, constructive ways of communicating and reaching accord.

(Citations from http://marriage-mediation.com/ sourced February 2nd, 2012).

… and as I am writing as a systemic & object-relations orientated couple counsellor, Marriage Mediation’s expression of marriage mediation is precisely a subset of the skills that I include in my professional role as a couple counsellor.

Dean Richardson’s development from Non-Counselling to Counselling Professional.

As this article’s author, it is my position that mediation skills are a subset of counselling skills (albeit both approaches have an important place on their own).  It is therefore interesting to notice my own development as a mediator/facilitator/coach towards practising as a professional couple counsellor…

I began as an IBM-trained business facilitator and coach. 

Originally trained in the mid 1990s, my role as business facilitator was to attend meetings that had nothing to do with my own department/business (hence maintaining neutrality) and assist the meeting attendees to identify problem that got in the way of work issues and work through the problems to a resolution that the meeting attendees wanted. By the end of the 1990s, I took the role of head of the IBM UK Facilitator’s Network.

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, IBM UK introduced the concept of coaching & mentoring.  I trained to became one of a team of business coaches; the role of the coaches was to meet with certain IBM employees, whom management had identified, to support and assist the employees in aspects of their careers.

It was these roles that began my journey into becoming a BACP accredited counsellor/psychotherapist – and it’s these skills of a counsellor – and in particular my qualification in couple counselling – that I offers to couples (platonic or intimate) who are seeking assistance with their relationship (read more about Dean’s professional qualifications & experience as a couple counsellor…).

Where is Couple Counselling for Platonic Relationships Available?

Couple counselling for platonic relationships is available from Dean Richardson as follows:-

• Portsmouth & Southsea (Hampshire): face-to-face meetings centred on the south coast in Southsea (click for location information).
• Skype: video camera conference meetings using three Skype devices – idea for people who are in separate places, even remote countries (click for Skype information).

What to do next…

If you are involved in a platonic relationship with another person, that relationship is causing distress and both you and the other party would like to work on changing the relationship, make contact with Dean Richardson today to discuss options.

I had to find a counsellor as part of my training course. I'm glad I stumbled on finding you.

Contact Dean Richardson

Think of your last really good conversation. Not only were you able to get some really important stuff off your chest, but your conversation-partner was helpful in making it easier for you to talk by being engaged with what you had to say. Maybe also think about those conversations where your conversation-partner told you of some stuff about yourself that you really didn’t want to hear, but later on you realised it was very helpful (though maybe it might have been put better!). 

Now, if you can think of a subject about which you cannot talk to anyone who knows you, then the support you previously found valuable is lost.

Everybody has secrets they’d rather the world didn’t know, and when you need a professional partner who you can talk well with, respects your confidentiality and does this kind of thing professionally, then maybe there’s still help at hand.

These are just a few reasons why you would choose counselling.

What is Counselling?

You don’t have to be mentally ill, you’re not insane, and you’re not lacking in some way to consider starting work with a counsellor.  In fact, counselling and psychotherapy work best with the mentally well (albeit, perhaps, emotionally wounded).

The British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy says that

[counselling & psychotherapy] are delivered by trained practitioners who work with people over a short or long term to help them bring about effective change or enhance their well-being” (link)

Yet, even with such a positive statement as above, some people think that counselling as an embarrassing thing. They believe that one only goes to a counsellor when they can’t cope with things themselves; and that’s shameful, right? Well, to some people it can feel that way, yet in my practice I find that many of my first-time clients are pleasantly surprised to experience just how straightforward and useful counselling can be.

The BACP goes on to say:-

Therapy is time set aside by you and the therapist to look at what has brought you to therapy. This might include talking about life events, (past and present), feelings, emotions, relationships, ways of thinking and patterns of behaviour. The therapist will do their best to help you to look at your issues, and to identify the right course of action for you, either to help you resolve your difficulties or help you find ways of coping. Talking about these things may take time, and will not necessarily all be included in one session.
(c) British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy, 2011 (link)

So, counselling is time dedicated to you to discuss something that’s weighing on your mind, with a view to sort this out with a professional who’s there to assist you.

How long will Counselling take?

Counselling with Dean Richardson is a voluntarily-attended therapeutic service.

This means that you come due to your own conscious choice, and you leave when you are ready.

I’ve written more about this in details in my post: How Long does Counselling Take?

Introducing Dean Richardson MBACP(Accred), UKRCP Reg.

Dean Richardson is an experienced, qualified, helpful and professionally ethical counsellor who provides individual and couple counselling in Portsmouth and Southsea, Hampshire.  He offers counselling face-to-face in his private practice on the Portsmouth and Southsea coast – and online via the Internet (Skype Video and Correspondence).

Dean is a male counsellor who specialises in couples and individuals counselling as well as having a special interest in offering therapies to LGBT couples and individuals.

I help people in their quest to transform their lives. Sometimes, it’s just a small change, but still is an important one that a person needs.  Other times, major changes are achieved and lives are transformed by finally being able to let go of something that’s been hanging around for too long. Whatever the change, how long – or how little – it takes, we can achieve it together.
Dean Richardson, 2009.

(For more information about Dean, including an explanation of his qualifications, read Dean Richardson’s page).

Are Dean Richardson’s Counselling Models for You?

Dean’s core model of therapy is psychodynamic (individuals) and systemic/psychodynamic (couples), integrating aspects of other therapies (CBT, Gestalt) as appropriate under the BACP’s Ethical Framework.  This, perhaps, doesn’t have to mean anything to you – as many people try working with Dean  for a single session to decide if his therapy is right for them.  For others, understanding Dean’s therapy models helps …

• Psychodynamic-based
• Systemic-based
• Group-based

Psychodynamic Counselling.

"Signumd Freud" © Mansionwb

Psychodynamic counselling differs from other forms of therapy in that it does not seek to give you solutions and strategies that if you were to follow you would be “cured”.  Instead, psychodynamic counselling develops and understanding how how you came to be in the current situation.  With such understanding, current problems can appear less invasive (and, as one client put it, “appear to to melt away”).

At the root of our inability to manage difficult problems are experiences from our past that may keep nagging away at us.  Whether they’re in our conscious memories (unresolved stuff we can remember from long ago) or in our unconscious minds (stuff we’ve chosen to forget, but a part of our mind may still be holding onto the memories for us),  past experiences remind us that because we couldn’t manage certain situations long, long, long time ago then we won’t be able to manage them today. 

Poor experiences from our formative years as a child and traumatic experiences as an individual contribute to a kind of flaw of in brick-wall-of-a-psyche.  The wall will hold up well usually, but when pressure is put on the vulnerable parts of our wall the cracks from long ago fail to hold up to the pressures … and we, as humans, find we struggle to manage those difficult problems in the present day.  Psychodynamic-based therapy seeks to understand (in as safe and contained/held way as possible) the problems created in the past, working with them now, to resolve them now, repairing the “flawed brick” in the wall of the psyche.

Systemic Counselling.

"Ishikawa diagram" © Visual Punch

Switch on your washing machine and press the “cottons” wash and your machine will go through a cycle of instructions from beginning to end … even if what’s inside the machine is your most expensive and delicate wear. 

In relationships, we can find ourselves or our partners behaving in unsatisfactory patterns that upset the relationship.  Using systemic therapy for couple counselling, we work to understand the reasons of the patterns of behaviour – to help the couple break free of the patterns – and with curiosity, supposing, wondering, creativity and inspiration the couple can begin to replace old behaviours with new ones; helping the relationship feel better.

Couples therapy with Dean Richardson combines systemic and psychodynamic therapy models.  Both partners bring issues from their past into the relationships.  The relationship may develop “shared unconscious anxieties” as a result of both partners protecting their vulnerabilities (their shared “flawed bricks”, from the example above) resulting in seemingly-unexplainable relationship behaviours.  Couple counselling with Dean Richardson attempts to help the couple to address these factors in ways that the couple elect themselves.

Analytic/Facilitative-based Support Groups.

"Circle of Friends" © Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha

Based on group analysis and group-facilitation principals, being a member of a small support group conducted by Dean Richardson means that you get the opportunity to work within a group of up around 6-10 group members (eg 4-8 other people, the conductor, and you). Individual group members are strangers to each other, and have no contact with each other outside of the group.  Such a group can be supportive and helpful to members, and it’s perfectly understandable that members will be anxious before joining the group (whether already established or brand new). The “conductor” is a therapist, but who is also a member of the group.  S/he is responsible for the dynamic administration of the group (its creation, its running, its safety) and is responsible for conducting the group’s therapy – although not for leading the group towards particular therapeutic tasks.

Sometimes therapeutic group work offers empathy & support to a group member.  Sometimes the therapeutic work a person needs is achieved by hearing about a “non-problem” (ie group members discussing issues where a person’s particular problem factors very little, or even not at all) – which can be a revelation for a person to hear. 

Whether a open group (no time limits on membership, members join and leave at different times), or a closed group (the group begins with all members joined, and ends after a set amount of time or a therapeutic task has been addressed), group therapy can be a powerful, community-type of therapeutic support and challenge.

Unsure if Dean’s Counselling Approach is Suitable for You?

Arrange an initial appointment with Dean to have a friendly, informative chat about what you need from counselling, and what therapies Dean can offer you.  Dean works within the BACP’s Ethical Framework which means he is under strict guidelines to treat you fairly and ethically, will cause you no harm, will treat you with respect, and, if he cannot help you, will talk with you openly about other options available to you.

Trust in your knowledge of Dean, and your instincts about how you feel working with him when you’re in the room with him (this would apply to any therapist you may be considering).