“Couples counselling works to prevent a couple from separating…”

The statement, above, is a common myth about couple counselling.

Some people misunderstand the purpose of couple counselling, thinking that its purpose is to keep a couple staying in their relationship. However, this is a false impression about couple counselling (at least it is about the systemicSystemic therapy is a branch of psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate and platonic relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of interaction between family members.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_therapy / psychodynamicPsychodynamics is the theory and systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, especially the dynamic relations between conscious motivation and unconscious motivation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics couple counselling that is offered by Dean Richardson).

Aims of Couple Counselling.

Some of the aims of couple therapy are much more complicated than just a simple goal of staying-together.  Outside of counselling, sometimes a couple wishes to separate – and wishes to do so with anger and blaming – but because of the relationship’s responsibilities (e.g. children) a couple have to continue seeing each other.  They may need a way to manage their separation – if not with any friendliness then at least with a modicum of tolerance.  That’s not an easy process – for obvious emotional reasons – but the couple can make use of a professional’s experience in helping relationships end with a negotiated friendliness – or at least a respectful-enough amicability.

Talking from a systemic/family-counselling approach (which is my core framework for couple’s therapy), the focus of couple counselling will be to follow what the couple wish from therapy; some couples will wish to work to keep their relationship together, other couples will wish to separate, and many couples will not know which they want and may change their minds (sometimes several times) during therapy. All of these are perfectly normal and legitimate states for couples ending a relationship.

So, yes, couple counselling can help a couple to separate … and, if the couple wishes, and with some effort on everyone’s part, it does.

What is Couple Counselling?

My name is Dean Richardson and I’m a qualified systemic/psychodynamic couple counselling therapist.

Talking from a systemic approach, couple counselling is a therapy that works with a couple’s relationship, rather than offering therapy for two individuals.

What does this mean? For example…

The couple counsellor is focussed on the problems between the individuals (the relationship) and is concerned with helping the couple to think about what contributes to the problems of the relationship (and what contributes to better experiences) and as the couple learn how their relationship system works the counsellor invites the couple to think about what aspects of their ‘system’ they might want to change.

Example of a system: partner ‘A’ arrives home from work, partner ‘B’ has been at home all day.  Both partners want to be asked how their day went, but neither partner is willing to give the other partner the time to listen to them first.  An argument ensues.

In systemic therapy, the couple counsellor would learn about this system by listening to the couple report their problems with examples.  The counsellor would help the couple learn about this system and with their agreement would support the couple in hypothesising how the system could be changed.

The couple counsellor does not impose normative views nor offer corrective suggestions (‘what another couple would do is …’) but works with the couple to help them be creative to come up with ideas on how they might change the behaviour for themselves.

The Assessment Sessions – finding the focus of the counselling work.

The focus of a couple’s therapy will be what the couple want to change about the relationship including their behaviour within their relationship. My role as a couples counsellor includes working with couples whose focus for their couple counselling work is to not stay together.

In the assessment for couple counselling, the couple and I will discuss what the couple wants from counselling … and separation is a legitimate option for couples entering therapy.  Sometimes the decision to separate is made at the beginning of counselling, sometimes it’s made during counselling. Either is a legitimate option for couples therapy

Separating Amicably.

Few couples want to separate amicably.  There may be emotional pain and a wish to not be seen as the one who caused the breakup – “it was the other person’s fault” may be a comforting thought, but it may also not be accurate.

However, a couple’s relationship may have created responsibilities – there is more than the couple themselves to consider.  There may be children involved and other family responsibilities to negotiate.

Using a divorce lawyer is one option to help the couple negotiate – but couple counselling is also an option.

The counsellor’s position is to remain neutral during the therapy and by not taking sides he is ethically able to help the couple notice imbalances in their behaviour.  This can be a helpful resource to a couple who are trying to remain balanced (very difficult to do at times) during their separation..

Separating / Staying together / Unsure?

I have worked with couples who wish to work to stay together, and with couples of wish to separate.

I have also worked with couples who, at the time of the assessment and for several months after, did not know what they wanted to do with their relationship.  Part of the counselling process there was to discover what our focus for the therapy was going to be.

Also, the focus that is agreed upon in the assessment is not set in stone.  Sometimes, during the course of counselling, one (or both) partner(s) may change their mind … or begin to find their voice … and begin talking about wishing to separate. Vice versa, a couple wishing to separate can change their minds during the therapy. In these situations a review of the original focus is perfectly legitimate and the counsellor will assist the couple to manage the changing of minds.

When mixed-agendas appear (partner “A” wishes to stay together, partner “B” wishes to separate) the couple counsellor will assist the couple in working with those differing agendas to find a focus that the couple can agree upon.  When a couple change their mind and wish to change their focus of their work (ie separating instead of staying together, and vice versa) the counsellor will help the couple work with that change too.

Couple Counselling & Divorce.

Couples who have engaged in marriage or a civil-partnership may decide that they wish to formally separate.  Of course, solicitors will be involved for the legal matters but the couple can still meet weekly with me to discuss matters about their separation.  It is often the case that an individual wishes to leave a relationship by “saving face” … and there can be pressure to denigrate their partner (because doing so helps the individual to appear or feel better than the partner).

Couples counselling can assist with the separation processes so that both partners leave the relationship in a neutral (perhaps even friendly – though not essential) position.

Advice on Separating.

Couple counselling can be helpful when a couple decide to end their relationship and need help in separating out the emotions and building blocks that originally joined them together.

My qualification is in systemic and psychodynamic couples counselling (similar to the training that Relate (ex “Marriage Guidance Council”) counsellors receive.  Therefore, I do not give advice nor directions on how to separate.

Instead I help facilitate the couple in finding their own solutions to how they wish to separate.

I do this by remaining neutral in the relationship and being curious about many things.  This can help the couple in discovering new information about their relationship, how they operate, and how things go wrong.  With such discoveries, the couple can put into place difference behaviours that can be helpful in relieving some of the distresses of separating.

Are you a couple thinking about counselling?

I collect information about you when you ask for an assessment to begin counselling. This information collected face-to-face and is not collected through this website.

Other information that you may be asked to give is, for example, when you use the Contact Me facility of this website, where you will be invited to give a name that I can use to refer to you, an email address or telephone number so that I can return your enquiry, and your message to me.

What I do with your information.

I keep your personal information on paper, not on computer.

Should I include you in any statistics (eg “number of people applying for therapy during a particular period”) your identity will be kept entirely anonymous and you will not be identified.

I do not use your information in any “mailshot” form of software, and I will not use your contact information to advertise my services. Nor will I pass on your information to anyone else. I do not use your information for marketing nor advertising.

How I may contact you (email, telephone, writing).

I do not send unsolicited emails. I will only contact you whilst you are in therapy with me – for example to notify you of a change or cancellation of appointment. I may use your email address, telephone number or home address (by writing) as appropriate. After you have finished counselling with me I will not contact you again unless I have a very good reason to do so, or you have invited me to do so for a particular purpose (such as resuming counselling).

You may request that I specifically do not contact you.

How I protect your information.

I use a variety of methods to protect your information online. This includes the use of secure socket layers (SSL) which is a technology that encrypts your data as it is transmitted to our server. Also, I may use digital methods of encoding your information to protect your privacy – such encoding your information so that it cannot be identified.

Your personal details that are kept on paper will be shredded after 7 years of ending therapy with me. The length of time is in case I am required to refer to our casework (eg by law).

How I use cookies.

My website will store a cookie into your browser in order to enhance your personal experience of the web site. This also allows me to monitor my marketing and advertising efforts. The tracking cookie cannot be used to identify you directly.

If you choose, you can disable the use of cookies by instructing your web browser to reject them (refer to your browser’s documentation).  As a warning, through, my website may not be able to operate fully if you do this.

Website visitor tracking.

Since 26th May, 2012, websites must inform their visitors what kind of cookies are stored in their browsers.

I use Piwik to generate anonymous website statistics – this helps me learn if the information I offer on my website is being read, and helps me recognise if I need to modify any information so that it is current and helpful.

To do this, Piwik stores information in your web browser that does not identify you personally.  However, if you wish to opt out of Piwik anonymous tracking, you can use this form: 

Third party contact.

Children’s online privacy.

My web site and counselling services are only available to those 18 years and over.

Children may read through my web site, but may not use my service.

Should any person under the age of 18 apply use my service (i.e., by giving false information about their date of birth) requests for use of my service will be declined – though I may, at my discretion and discussion with appropriate supervision, choose to refer any contacts to the appropriate support services.

Your consent.

Contacting me.

Counselling, Therapy & UK Law.

A current problem (2012) in UK Law is that counselling, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, spiritual/religious counselling, alternative therapies (and so on) are not regulated.  Anyone can set themselves up as a “therapist” or use the word “counsellor” without any formal therapeutic qualifications to prove their effectiveness.

This leads to therapists not being legally obliged have to have any insurance.  They don’t have to be answerable to a professional body that oversees their practice.  These therapists can advertise themselves as a “counsellor” or “therapist” without actually having any training, qualifications, nor any actual experience as a professional intended to help you therapeutically.

Some think it kinda fun and modern to advertise themselves as a “Travel Counsellor” or a “Debt Counsellor” – and by the definition of the word counsellor they’re not intending to mislead the public into thinking they’re offering a therapeutic approach to your mental well-being. Unfortunately, the lack of UK law means that the responsibility lays on the client who is seeking counselling/therapy to find someone who is appropriate for their treatment. A GP may not be enough (offering limited NHS IAPT treatment with a long waiting list).  So, a client is the one mostly at risk of working with an unqualified therapist.

Help in Finding a “safe” therapist.

Finding a qualified, experienced, professionally accredited and insured counsellor/psychotherapist can be straightforward if you know of some helpful things to look out for.

This post describes how to find a suitable therapist – and offers some topics to check out with your potential therapist. At your first meeting, most – if not all – therapists should not be phased by you asking about the topics (in later sessions, however, certain therapists may not answer questions about themselves, but be interested with you in the purpose of your question – keeping the focus upon you. This is a legitimate form of therapy (eg psychodynamic / psychoanalytical) – but I include it here just so that you are aware).

Search Counsellors’ Professional Bodies.

An easy way to find a suitable therapist is to use a professional therapists’ body that offers a “find a therapist” type of service. The therapists listed may have had to pay for an entry, but would also have had their qualifications checked before being allowed to pay for an entry in the list. It’s a good place to begin searching for a therapist.

• British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
  http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/
• British Association for Psychotherapy
  http://www.bap-psychotherapy.org/
• The British Psychological Society
  http://www.bps.org.uk/

… however, if you wish to find your own therapist – or you would like some advice on what to check out about your potential therapist – then click the next page for…

“The iCounsellor’s Guide to Finding a Counsellor/Therapist“.

Dean Richardson is a BACP Accredited Counsellor / Psychotherapist (explanation of qualifications).  I am a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). The accreditation means that the BACP have authenticated my substantial level of training and experience to be working as a counsellor / psychotherapist. Appropriately, my counselling work adheres to the BACP’s Ethical Framework (click to read BACP’s statement on Ethics for Counselling and Psychotherapy).

The BACP can suspend, deregister or remove accreditation from member counsellors/psychotherapists who fail to perform their work to the highest professional standards and/or who contravene the BACP’s Ethical Framework.

If you have a complaint or dissatisfaction about the therapeutic service I am providing for you, it may be helpful for you to you raise your concerns initially with me.  We will try and address the matters together.  If we cannot resolve the matter together then the BACP can provide help and assistance to you if you wish to take the complaint further (read more…).

BACP Address.

British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy,
BACP House,
15 St John’s Business Park,
Lutterworth,
LE17 4HB.

Tel: 01455 883300,
Fax: 01455 550243,
Minicom: 01455 550307,
Text: 01455 560606

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

A counselling contract (or agreement) is a document that many therapists and agencies use that shows the client – in writing – the arrangements for counselling agreed between the counsellor and the client(s).

It’s not unusual for a client to find the first session or two of counselling has far too much information to hold in mind.  Especially if the client is emotionally distressed.  So many therapists will offer the an overview of the counselling arrangements in a written form.

All ethical therapists are required to inform the client(s) about what the client(s) are getting into at the start of therapy.  This can include (not is not limited to):

If your therapist has a written contract/agreement for your therapy work, you should ask for a copy if you have not already been given one.

Dean Richardson gives all clients a written agreements at the beginning of all counselling/therapy work.  This agreement is discussed (clients have an opportunity to ask about anything that they wish clarifying) and both client(s) and counsellor sign the agreement.

I abide by and adhere to the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapy’s Ethical Framework.

As part of that framework, I practice confidentiality with all of my clinical work.  This means that you can speak with me knowing that your friends, your family, your work colleagues and so on will not get to learn what you have said in a counselling session – and neither will my friends, family, work colleagues and so on.

But … what confidentiality also means is that I will discuss your case with a strictly limited number of other professionals for sound ethical reasons.  All clients and patients of therapists should be made aware of this (as you will be during our initial meeting), but unfortunately this is not the case with some other professional therapists.  I make it a particular point to discuss what confidentiality means – and what are its boundaries – with all of my clients at the start of counselling.  During our initial meeting I will also give you a printed copy of our counselling agreement.  After all, there’s a lot to remember during our first sessions.

Because confidentiality is not just about not talking about our therapy work, our written agreement explains what confidentiality means.

For example, in addition to the ‘not discussing what we say in the room’ part of confidentiality, I will have made you aware that:

The rest of this article expands upon these matters.

Confidentiality & Supervision.

As a private practising therapist who is a member of – and accredited by – the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy, I meet with a qualified supervising counsellor once a month for a minimum of 90 minutes. This is to discuss my practice and my case load and to check that I’m working to my best, keeping with ethical principals, and dealing with dilemmas that come up in most every case.

I will, from time to time discuss your case and our work together with my supervisor – but I will have first made sure that my supervisor does not know you, or is likely to come in contact with you (say, for example, though the workplace).  I will refer to you only by your first name (or another name if you prefer).  If I cannot assure your confidentiality in this manner – for example if my supervisor knows you in the work place or socially – then I will seek supervision from another supervisor for the duration of our work together.

Confidentiality & Continued Professional Development (CPD).

In seeking additional knowledge to keep me up to date with therapeutic thinking, it is sometimes useful to refer to an aspect of a case whilst attending a training course.  If, when we discuss our agreement, you request that I do not refer to you during my CPD then I will respect this.  Even so, it’s rare to-the-point-of-never-happens nowadays for me to bring up casework willy nilly, and I make sure that anything I discuss within the confines of other therapists in the context of CPD still keeps your identity anonymous and our casework vague enough to never identify you.

Confidentiality & UK Law.

Confidentiality sometimes has to be broken if I am required to do so by law (for example if you disclose to me your intent of harming yourself or others (including children) or if you disclose intent of committing a serious criminal offence or terrorism).  This may also apply if I learn of someone else who may be being harmed or in danger, or is planning to harm others.

This does not mean that I will go running to the police the moment that I hear about something illegal, but it is part of my ethical commitments to you to inform you that the law may not protect your confidentiality.

I will intend to discuss with you of my (admittedly very rare) intent to break confidentiality of our work before I do so, but you need to be aware that the law may require that I take action first and without your consent or knowledge.

Declining your request to break confidentiality.

I have been discussing where confidentiality is maintained but expanded in the form of supervision and CPD, and have discussed UK Law where I may not be able to keep knowledge confidential.

There is another aspect: your request to reveal information about our counselling work.

Confidentiality is very important – even to ensure it is not broken in situations where you request it (for example, giving your permission to a solicitor to request that I give a report about our case work).

If we are still working together it is best for us to have a sufficiently detailed discussion of the consequences of such events before I decide how I will respond – and I will not automatically respond with a ‘yes’.  What has been, up until this moment, vital to protect needs a serious conversation about why this need has now changed.

Should our counselling work have been completed, and we are no longer in contact, if I receive a request to reveal the contents of our counselling work with a third party … even having received your permission (eg written) to do so … I will decline.

Confidentiality – In conclusion.

Counselling is not to be taken lightly – neither by therapist nor clients.  Clinical work such as counselling and psychotherapy requires ethics, respect and the highest form of protecting both the therapist and the client’s right to feel safe during the work.

I take a particularly thoughtful approach to protecting confidentiality – and this may surprise a number of clients who may assume that (a) nothing is ever revealed about the case to anyone … or conversely (b) I will summarise our casework to anyone when the client wants me to.

Confidentiality is vital.