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Introduction.
This is not meant to be a detailed formula regarding couple therapy, and no couple’s relationship – or problem – is quite the same as another, but as a very brief overview this post describes an overview of systemic- and psychodynamic-based counselling for couples.
Major aims.
Major aims for couple counselling would include:-
- Identify what we all agree the focus of the counselling should be.
- With the focus agreed, we begin looking at the couple’s relationship “system” … in other words, what’s happening in the way that the couple relates to each other that the couple believe is going wrong (or that one partner might think is going wrong, but the other partner disagrees).
- Encourage hypotheses – what do the couple think is make the relating “system” go astray and become unsatisfactory (initially the couple is helped by the therapist’s curiosity towards learning how the “system” works and how the problems arise – but the couple would be encourage to hypothesise for themselves). Hypotheses can change quickly as more information about the system is learned. Hypotheses do not need to remain static.
- Be curious with each individual’s past history … what might there be in each person’s history that might be getting replayed in this relationship.
- State the obvious – the therapist helps the couple to see how they behave with each other and react to each other. Whilst this might be obvious to an onlooker, the behaviour may not be so obvious to the couple themselves. This helps to provide more information towards the hypothesising activity.
- With working hypotheses, theorise on what triggers the system into becoming unsatisfactory, and theorise on how the triggers can be changed / shifted / perturbed.
- Continue the process of hypothesising, theorising and perturbing until sufficient change comes into effect that counselling can conclude.
If, during the therapy, a couple decides that they do not wish to stay together, then the therapy can move into preparing separation:-
- What needs to happen for the couple to separate?
- Who will be affected (children, family etc)?
- Does the law need to be involved (ie formal divorce or civil-partnership dissolution)?
Moving into a separation process does not necessarily guarantee that the couple will separate. Separation can always be reversed if the couple wishes … even after divorce. Couples counselling can (and does) continue during the separation process in order to help both partners separate satisfactorily from their relationship.
Domestic Violence.
If domestic violence is revealed in the assessment – or in the counselling work – then we will talk about stopping the violence immediately.
We will discuss the “Safety Plan”. In summary: during a situation between the couple that may be leading to violence, one partner will take responsibility for leaving the room/leaving the situation. The other partner will take responsibility for not following the leaving partner (the partners don’t need to decide beforehand which role they are going to take). The partners will stay separated until such a time when both partners feel that it is safe to come back together. Then can then have a conversation about what lead up to the safety plan being executed. They will also discuss with the counsellor what happened when they next meet with the counsellor. Whilst this sounds like a simple plan – and in essence it is simple – it can be very difficult for a couple to execute the plan. In counselling we will discuss the plan in detail and discuss things every time the plan is put into action.
Relationship counselling can helpful but it can initially make things worse because we are perturbing with a relationship system in order to help re-build it more safely and successfully. Disturbing a disturbed relationship can be very difficult for both partners. Both of you must convince me that it is safe for you both to work with me in counselling – and discussing the safety plan is the main way we will achieve this.
Conclusion.
This has been a brief overview of the aims of systemic- and psychodynamic-based couple counselling.
Related Reading:
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