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Couples Counselling can help a couple to separate - if this is what they wish to do – whether this is decided at the start of therapy or if such a decision is made during couple counselling.
It can be a common misunderstanding when couple counselling is considered simply as “a therapy to prevent a couple separating“. This single point of view is not entirely true, of course, because some of the aims of couple therapy are much more complicated than a simple situation of staying-together-or-not. Outcomes of couples therapy are at the (informed) decision of the couple themselves and not the therapist nor the intention of couples therapy in general.
Couple counselling is a therapy targeted toward the couple’s relationship, rather than therapy for two individuals in a relationship. The focus of a couple’s therapy will be what the couple want to change about the relationship, their behaviour within the relationship and as a qualified couples counsellor and BACP accredited therapist, I have training, experience and supervision in working with couples whose chosen outcome for therapy is not staying together.
Therefore, in the assessment, a couple and I will discuss what the couple wants from counselling … and separation is a legitimate option for couples counselling. Sometimes this decision is made at the beginning of counselling, sometimes it’s made during counselling. Either is a legitimate option for couples therapy.
Separating / Staying together / Unsure?
I have worked with couples who wish to work to stay together, and with couples of wish to separate. I have also worked with couples who, at the time of the assessment … and for several months after, did not know what they wanted to do with their relationship – and so part of the counselling was to discover what our focus for the therapy should be.
Also, the focus we agree upon in the assessment is not set in stone. Sometimes, during the course of counselling, one (or both) partner(s) may change their mind … or find their voice … and begin talking about wishing to separate. Vice versa, a couple wishing to separate can change their minds during the therapy. All of these situations are legitimate and as a couples counsellor I can help facilitate a couple in discovering what they want to do with their relationship. And when mixed-agendas appear (partner “A” wishes to stay together, partner “B” wishes to separate) I can assist the couple in working with those differing agendas too. When a couple change their mind and wish to change their focus of their work (ie separating instead of staying together, and vice versa) I can help a couple work with that change too.
Couple Counselling & Divorce.
Couples who have engaged in marriage or a civil-partnership may decide that they wish to formally separate. Of course, solicitors will be involved for the legal matters but the couple can still meet weekly with me to discuss matters about their separation.
It is often the case that an individual wishes to leave a relationship by “saving face” … and there can be pressure to denigrate their partner (because doing so helps the individual to appear or feel better than the partner). Couples counselling can assist with the separation processes so that both partners leave the relationship in a neutral (perhaps even friendly – though not essential) position.
Advice on Separating.
Couple counselling can be helpful when a couple decide to end their relationship and need help in separating out the emotions and building blocks that originally joined them together. My qualification is in systemic and psychodynamic couples counselling (similar to the training that Relate (ex “Marriage Guidance Council”) counsellors receive.
Therefore, I do not give directive advice on how to separate, but instead I help facilitate the couple in finding their own solutions to how they wish to separate. I do this by remaining neutral in the relationship and being curious about many things. This can help the couple in discovering new information about their relationship, how they operate, and how things go wrong. With such discoveries, the couple can put into place difference behaviours that can be helpful in relieving some of the distresses of separating.
Are you thinking about Couples Counselling?
See my Contact Me page or click here to send me a secure message to make an initial no-obligation appointment for an assessment for counselling.
Related Reading:
Counselling Couples in Relationships: Introduction to the Relate Approach (Wiley Series in Brief Therapy & Counselling)RELATE is the largest couple-counselling agency in the UK, offering over 300,000 hours of counselling each year. This book presents the theories and practices which make up the RELATE approach. In addition to the material on couple counselling, the psychology of couples' relationships is explored.
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